The Complete Asylum #3 - Air Collision (2012)

Please note this is a repost of an article I posted on another site.

Plot
After an AI controlled flight system malfunctions, Air Force One and a passenger plane are on a collision course. It's up to air traffic controller Reginald Veljohnson to avert a disaster.

Review
       From what I thought was originally going to just be a movie about two planes potentially colliding they added a whole lot more ridiculous. This movie doesn't mess around either, right at the beginning a satellite falls apart and debris is flying everywhere. And not just little scratches, these are ARMAGEDDON sized chunks destroying buildings and wrecking cars. Among others things we get are lightning storms, missile attacks and an artificial intelligence that has a laser.

     The director is trying way too hard to keep us awake. The camera constantly zooms in and out and there are jump cuts every second. After a while this method stated to give me a headache. They throw in so many elements of danger that eventually it just gets to be too much and half way through you begin to get a little bored of it.

      The CGI is of course pretty bad but not all that overly used. Its only really used in scenes where satellite debris is hitting buildings and when things crash together. I have to hand it to the Asylum that the sets in this one are actually half decent. Only the backgrounds look very fake and CGI.

      Overall this movie is so so. It took an idea and then tried way too hard to pile on things to make it more exciting. This movie feels like one of those 90s FOX made for TV movies that had no budget. It's good to see Reginald Veljohnson working again though.

Worst Scene
At one point the rogue AI on Air Force One fires a missile at the passenger plane. The missile tears a hole on the side of the plane and sucks various objects and people out. Now for some reason the missile doesn't explode so someone actually grabs it and throws it out. Then they use random pieces of luggage to block the massive hole that was created. This all somehow magically works and the suction stops. Don't ask me how a person can be sucked out but a piece of luggage will stay in place.

Lawsuit Potential?
I don't think they have much to worry about with this movie. Although they did flat out copy some scenes (like the plane to plane transfer from EXECUTIVE DECISION) this movie is copying the disaster film genre more then anything else.

Rating: 4/10

The Complete Asylum #2 - 2010 : Moby Dick (2010)

     

      Please note this is a repost of an article I posted on another site.

      In this column i'll be looking at what the now infamous movie studio "The Asylum" has to show us. It's going to be a long road but hopefully there will some good stuff along the way

Plot: During a covert mission in Russia in 1969, a giant whale attacks and destroys an American submarine. 40 years later one of the only survivors, Ahab (Barry Bostwick), is on the hunt for the whale that killed his shipmates and took his leg. With the help of a state of the art submarine a whale scientist (Renee O’Connor), Ahab chases the whale across the ocean.

Review: After the absolute atrocity that was a “comedy” film from the Asylum, I decided to go the complete other direction and check out a monster movie. To be quite honest, this was a fun ride. Barry Bostwick seems to be having the time of his life as Ahab, he gets so over the top at times. Renee O’Connor’s job was to look good and pretend to know a lot about whales, both of which she is just Ok at. As for Moby Dick, the CGI was half decent, not overly terrible. You don’t see much of him and when you do he’s usually in dark cloudy water. But this whale isn’t afraid to fuck some shit up. He destroys at least 3 submarines, falls on a tour boat and eats a helicopter. You’re not even safe on land! At one point he pops out of the water and flops around an island, crushing anyone in his way. If you’re looking to kill an hour and a half with some aquatic creature fun, this can be the movie you were looking for.

Worst Scene: Any scene featuring the military higher ups. They show you an establishing shot of a nice big building. Then you go inside and the generals are sitting in a tiny office crowding a table together while on a conference call. I think it would be pretty strange to be ordering around billion dollar nuclear submarines while at the same time trying to not elbow the general next to you in the face.

Comic Relief: Oceanographer Renee O’Connor has an assistant who plays the stereotypical black guy. Thankfully you don’t see him too much and he doesn’t try too hard to be annoying. In fact most of the time he’s pretty much invisible.

Lawsuit Potential?
None. Moby Dick is an old story, so old that it is now in the public domain and anyone can use the characters and plot as they see fit.

Rating: 6/10

P.S. Were you looking at Captain Ahab and thinking “Hey, I’ve seen that guy before”. He’s Barry Bostwick, he played the mayor on Spin City. Both characters are insane for different reasons.

The Complete Asylum #1 - Jane White is Sick and Twisted

      

      

     Please note this is a repost, I had previously posted this article on another site.

     In this column i'll be looking at what the now infamous movie studio "The Asylum" has to show us. It's going to be a long road but hopefully there will some good stuff along the way

      This is my first post for "The Complete Asylum" and it may be the last as well. The first movie I checked out is "Jane White is Sick & Twisted". The "plot" has to do with Jane. She spends her entire day watching a Jerry Springer knockoff TV show thinking that he's her dad. One day she decides to go on a road trip to get on the show and meet him when "hilarity" ensues. The reason I'm using so many quotes is because this turd doesn't have any of those elements in it. There is no story. Stupid shit happens, that's about it. It is not funny at all! I did not laugh once. The best this movie got was one light smirk.

      Here are some examples of "hilarious" scenes; Jane dressed up as a transexual and becomes a prostitute for a night. Jane waiting at a bus stop all day. Jane's mom making out with the possibly retarded delivery guy. I could go on but I've blocked part of this from my mind already.

     I don't understand how something like this gets made. It's just a mess. Characters have conversations that are so horrible and painful you'd rather the paint chip on the wall. If you have some sort of morbid curiosity towards seeing this, just watch the trailer. Within those two minutes you will be sufficiently turned off that you will never again think of this movie.

Worst Scene:
Have to go with the desert scene. Jane and her idiot boyfriend Dick go to to the desert so they can get abducted by aliens and then go on the Gerry show. What follows is pointless, stupid and moronic banter. And no aliens show up either!

Lawsuits?:
There's a medium chance of lawsuits. The scene transitions are rips offs of intros and scene transitions of other much better TV shows. While they aren't very long, they are almost identical to the original ones and someone might get pissed off about that.

Rating: 1/10 (It gets 1 point for Phil LaMarr's smirk inducing scene)