Wednesday Night Ramblings - July 29 2015 - The Asylum, changes to review policy, La Ronde

This week I did something I haven’t done in a while; I reviewed an Asylum movie. If you don’t know what the Asylum is, they’re a movie studio that make terrible rip-off movies. If Snakes on a Planes is coming out, they’ll make Snakes on a Train. The release of Sharknado 3 last week inspired me to jump back in to that mess of a studio. So far I’ve watched 2 of their “films” and to be honest they weren’t as bad as I feared. Don’t get me wrong, the acting is horrendous but their CGI has improved, although still nothing above an end of semester college project. They’re like a trainwreck that you can’t keep your eyes away from, you just have to see what happens. I’ll try to keep these coming as long as I can endure them, but don’t expect any miracles people, I have limits. 

                While on the case of reviewing movies from the Asylum, I decided to change my review policy. I’d normally pick what I’m going to review way in advance and then watch those movies over the next month. This led to many missed deadlines, movies waiting to get reviewed for months and just general annoyance. I’m going to ditch that and just review whatever I want every week. Instead of just cranking a review out I want them to mean something and have quality to them. Don’t worry, you can still expect the weekly review on Sunday, I want to keep that a steady rule. There may be more during certain weeks when I have time, but that Sunday review is fixed and I hope not to miss any. 

                Last Saturday I went to La Ronde, the amusement park we have here in Montreal. And think that was the last time. Every single time I go there it ends up going bad and this time was no exception. Roller coasters, especially the more extreme ones, do not agree with my stomach. It’s not the fear that gets me, it’s the sickness. I started my day at La Ronde Saturday going on a roller coaster and felt like crap the entire day, leading to me throwing up 8 hours later (I can’t explain why it took so long). I spent the rest of the time waiting with my friends in line and then skipping the ride once we got to the end. This might be a sign that this is not what I’m meant for. I don’t think I’ll be going there anymore and if I do, NO GODDAMN ROLLER COASTERS!!! Maybe I can do the kiddie one but nothing extreme. My relationship with La Ronde is like a woman with an abusive boyfriend. You keep hoping next time will be better but deep down you know it’s never going to be.

                Only one achievement this week, I’ve been focusing on my crossfit training. I may start a new game this week, either Aliens: Colonial Marines or an Assassin’s Creed, have not decided yet.

Batman: Arkham Knight

Days of Fire - 15G - Extinguish the fires in Gotham City

The Complete Asylum #6 - Attila (2013)

Plot

 (from imdb.com)

When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun's secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened; the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to kill the intruders.

Review

 I feel like the above plot description is very misleading. It’s more like they awake Attila the Hun’s son and he starts killing soldiers who are shooting at him. Minor gripe but to get back to the movie, for the Asylum, this one isn’t that bad. The main character, sorry can’t remember his name not that it matters, is a badass. Although he’s also batshit crazy and sees constant vision of dead people. The general in charge also could not give a fuck about anything other then mission, which somehow makes him the most relatable character in the movie. To the Asylum’s credit, they do try to make each member of the team that goes after Attila somewhat unique. There’s the driver that loses his keys, kung fu Asian guy, the guy who doesn’t speak, a chick who can tell your personality by the gum you take, etc. I didn’t say it was a great attempt, but they tried. The acting is generally terrible, but that was expected.

As for the main villain, I’ll just call him Attila for simplicity’s sake, it’s weird to say good or bad about him. For one, he’s just a big guy with a terrible melty face mask. He is invulnerable to bullets, so he can kill anyone whenever he wishes. Which made me wonder, why does he keep running away? He’s invulnerable, he could have killed the entire team right away and then boom, movie over. The kills for the most part are weak. Attila usually grabs someone or lightly taps then, the camera cuts, then they are dead with a hole in their chest or blood coming out of their mouth. There were a couple of deaths that were half decent but most were terrible.

It’s sad to say, but Attila is one of the better Asylum movies I’ve watched so far. I was able to finish it in one viewing, something I’m rarely able to do, and it interested enough that I only looked at my phone a couple of times. If you’re one of the rare people who can stomach these movies, go ahead and try this one out.

Worst Scene 

Near the end of the movie, the general reveals his plan to use the Staff of Moses, which gives Attila his power, to cure his cancer. He drinks blood from it, his head bursts into flames like he’s Ghost Rider, and then he comes back as Attila himself. However, the real Attila looks super lame. Imagine a shitty looking Shao Khan. He’s supposed to be the intimidating last boss, but he sucks. It’s a look that is hard to pull off on a real person, it always looks stupid.

Lawsuit Potential?

I don’t believe the Asylum has anything to worry about on this one. It does not appear to be directly ripping off any famous movie at the time, so unless the ancestors of Attila the Hun want to sue for defamation they are safe on this one.

Score: 6/10

Wednesday Night Ramblings - July 22 2015 - Wrestling Spoilers

                As anyone who reads this blog should know, I’m a fan of the WWE. I first started watching during the attitude era of the late 90s when Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock were tearing it up. Along the way I’ve been on and off several times but since mid 2012 I’ve been watching regularly. It’s to explain why I enjoy it. Maybe it’s just the 14 year old in me watching to just watch something and not think too hard, just have fun. These days though, the Internet can often ruin that fun.

                Just like movies, TV and video games, wrestling has a rabid fan base that is starved for information and wants to know everything that will happen before it happens. Which leads to spoiler stories. This last weekend was a major one. Let me set the stage. The Undertaker had an undefeated streak of 21-0 at Wrestlemania, the premier WWE show every year. At Wrestlemania XXX in 2014, Brock Lesnar defeated The Undertaker to end the streak. Fast forward to last Sunday to the Battleground pay-per view when Brock Lesnar was in a title match against WWE champion Seth Rollins. Suddenly, just as it seems Lesnar is going to beat Rollins and become the new world champion, a gong goes off, the lights go out and then they come back on and The Undertaker is in the ring, staring down Lesnar and proceeds to beat the shit out of him. This was a shocking moment and exemplifies what wrestling is all about when it is done right. Except it wasn’t, because I knew it was happening a few days before the event. 

                In the week leading to the Battleground event, every wrestling website was reporting that The Undertaker was coming back. What should have been a shocking event instead was a foregone conclusion, with no surprise. Learning this in advance completely deflates the awe factor when it happens. Truth is, I could just not go on these websites but there are 2 problems. One, WWE is very bad at reporting certain news. They rarely discuss firings or why certain people just suddenly disappear out of nowhere without explanation. With these websites, at least I know what is going on that front. If WWE were more forthcoming I wouldn’t have to visit these sites for info. Two, even if I stopped reading these sites, it would probably still get spoiled. I listen to several wrestling podcast and have wrestling things pop up on my facebook. Even if I don’t frequent the spoilery sites, chances are one of the outlets will ruin it for me anyway.

                In this Internet age, it is difficult to escape spoilers. It’s hard to come up with a solution. News websites want the hits from shocking news and people want to talk about what’s coming up. I think I’m going to try to stay in the dark as much as possible and maybe I’ll be luckier in the future.

Batman: Arkham Knight

The Monster Machine - 20G - Track down and apprehend the serial killer

 

Movie Reviews #33 - Sinister (2012)

Plot: (from imdb.com) A true-crime writer finds a cache of 8mm home movies films that suggest the murder he is currently researching is the work of a serial killer whose career dates back to the 1960s.

Review: Sinister is pretty decent horror movie. It’s got some good scares, an interesting mystery and creates a sense of dread. The problem is, I feel like I’ve seen this movie many times. It feels like throughout the last decade there have been a lot of movies like this. Some were better, some were much, much worse. But that is not a criticism of this movie. Ethan Hawke does a great job as the lead. He’s a sympathetic character, although he want him to talk to someone about what’s going on rather then keeping it all to himself. Sinister is a quality movie but it’s familiarity knocks it down a peg.

Score: 7/10